being a mother of a victim sexual abuse: my mom's story

//  i promise this blog is not going to be 24/7 depressing but today it is again. i asked my mom to write her perspective of my abuse. i no longer relate to the child kennan in my abuse but more so to the mom kennan. i think mostly on how i can protect my kids. i cannot imagine this happening to one of my own babies, i don't know how i could live with it. really, as a parent, you would 100 times over, take any pain of your children onto yourself.  this is the first time i have ever heard my mom's point of view. i cried good and long as i read through her version of my story. i cried as child kennan and i cried as mom kennan, both of us are proud to be my mom's daughter, she helped me survive.  //

When I think about what happened to my daughter at such a tender young age I feel such incredible guilt.  Why didn’t I protect her?  Why didn’t I sense what was happening?  Why didn’t I know that this man was a predator?  What kind of a Mom wouldn’t know?  If I start at the beginning, I realize that I did know something was wrong, but I was too naïve and maybe a little too overwhelmed to understand what was happening.  

When Kennan was in 1^st grade, she started to complain about her stomach hurting.  Her older sister used to do the same thing when she was about that age and we were changing schools so I wrote it off as just difficulty adjusting to all day school.  I would address it and even bring her home, but always encouraged her to just tough it out.  I remember coming into the family room one evening and seeing this little girl curled up in a ball quietly sobbing and when I asked what was wrong she said her stomach hurt.  I had her in to the pediatrician the next morning.  

After an exam, an interview (where the Dr. specifically asked, has anyone touched you in your private parts? To which she responded NO!) and a whole series of tests including blood work and an upper GI series….it was concluded that her stomach was in fact in spasms but there was no physical reason.  We decided to watch her for additional symptoms and see how it went.  In time, she seemed to improve.  During this time, Kennan was seeing the speech therapist at school for some problems with her “r’s”.  I later found out that Tom Williams was taking her out of class (supposedly for the Speech Therapist). 

In retrospect, she did however start to show some unusual interest in men’s anatomy.  Weird stuff, like looking at men’s underwear in catalogues and taping hot dogs to her brother’s bedroom doors.  I wrote it off as just crazy Kennan….antics of a rowdy little girl. This is a little girl who would swear because she knew it was naughty so it wasn’t a big stretch to see her doing wild stuff just to get her big brother’s attention.  I was wrong….I should have clued in!  

In the following years at Barratt Elementary, Kennan struggled at school and at home.  She had trouble with friends, and seemed to be victimized by the “gang” mentality.  Her teachers saw it and tried to intervene where they could but she would repeatedly ask me to home school her.  This was a time when those who home schooled were just sort of an anomaly so I never really considered it.  I just kept telling her she would be fine.  Kennan hated being told what to do at home….especially by her siblings and she was a nightmare for them to tend. I recognize now that these behaviors were due to her trying desperately to always be in control of every situation.  She would go from happy and silly to enraged and angry in a moment’s time. It became impossible for me to deal with her and she responded much more positively to her Dad’s interventions.   I think on some unconscious level she was mad at me.  Unfortunately, her Dad was traveling a great deal during this time so he was not always there to take over.  

Kennan's struggles continued into Jr. High but she got a good group of girl friends that were loyal and kind and she did much better.  She seemed to be thriving in this social aspect of her life but still really struggled with school and authority.  Then came boys and boyfriends.  She confided in me that she kissed a boy and got physically sick.  In my warped mind I thought, “Great…I won’t have to worry about her getting into trouble with boys.”  I kind of made light of it and we even joked about it, but as time went on she started to unravel.  She became quiet, angry, frustrated, volatile and eventually came to me and said she needed help.  Her issues with intimacy continued. She was displaying self destructive behavior and contemplating suicide.  I had been through one child that struggled with depression and I took it seriously.  We were back into Dr. Glade the next morning and he recommended counseling.  We set up her first visit and thus began what has become a long, long road to understanding and remembering when and where the abuse took place. 

Her counselor knew immediately that she was a child sex abuse victim….she had all the symptoms.  Kennan had very few memories and the counselor said she might never fully remember.  Her mind would only allow her to remember what she could handle.  She offered to put Kennan under hypnosis but Kennan was scared to remember and was okay not to.  Just knowing there was a reason for what she was feeling was a relief and with some medication for the depression she was suffering, she seemed to do better.  Then one day as I was reading the paper, I came across an article naming Tom Williams and describing his arrest and confession to child sex abuse charges involving his nieces and nephews.  A light went off in my head….call it inspiration or just connecting the dots….but I felt certain this was the missing piece.  When Kennan got home from school, I showed her the article and waited to see her reaction.  I could tell immediately that I was right.  I was so heart-broken for her and I was sick that I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.  From this vantage point I could see all the signs.  The tummy aches, the speech therapy, the odd interactions I had with Tom Williams at school.  I remembered being with the family at the Water Gardens and sitting down in front of Tom Williams and his nieces and nephews and how Kennan had to leave the theatre because she felt sick.  She began to have spotty memories of being in Tom’s office, and of other girls with her.  One girl in particular brought back some uncomfortable feelings and Kennan was pretty sure connecting with her would open the floodgate of memories.  I questioned Kennan about whether or not she wanted me to report him and pursue this with the police.  Her response was that her memories were too random and spotty and besides…he was in jail now.  What purpose would it serve?  I determined to follow her lead…this was her experience and her decision.  So we left it alone (Probably a big mistake) .  

Over the next several months Kennan tried to face her demons when she felt strong enough.  She was making progress when it came to intimate situations thanks to a very sweet, loving and patient young man.  She visited Barratt Elementary and walked the halls in hopes of finding some answers, but it mostly just made her physically ill.  She thought about looking up the girl that she had memories of being with Tom in his office but just wasn’t sure she was ready.  I think at this point she somewhat decided to put the whole issue to bed. It was what it was and she determined to move forward.  She sent her boyfriend on a mission and graduated from High School and tried to move in a direction that felt positive.  She met her future husband and had a great 2 year courtship, and was married.  Then the issue raised it’s ugly head again and there were serious issues in her marriage with intimacy.  Wisely, she and Trev sought counseling with pretty good results.  Through all this time, Kennan kept tabs on Tom Williams.  She saw interviews on the Utah State Prison website that he gave.  Somehow this was never far from her mind.  

Then she became pregnant and after Jude was born she crashed.  Post-partum depression took hold of her and she became incapacitated.  There was a trip to the hospital and more counseling.  Jude’s port wine stain birthmark threw her for a loop and it became her mission to do all she could for him.  There was more counseling and battles with insurance companies over services for her and for Jude, and a whole series of surgeries for Jude. In time things settled back down for her.  She called one day and said she thought she was ready to talk to the girl from grade school…would I see if I could find her Mom and her phone number.  I did and passed the information on to her.  Her Mom said she was living in Arizona, went by another name, had struggled with drug abuse and depression, been in an abusive relationship with a man, and had a strained relationship with her family. Kennan hesitated and said she would reach out to her when she felt strong enough.  That never happened.  Shortly after, we got word that she had died….found in her apartment dead after recovering from a broken leg, possible drug overdose. Poor girl probably had the same history as Kennan but not the kind of support she needed to work it through.  Another victim of Tom Williams. And a dead end for Kennan. 

Two more babies, two more horrible rounds of post-partum depression, more counseling.  Medication adjustments and adjustments and adjustments.  Little Greta with special needs.  Coordination of doctors and services for Greta, Laser surgeries for Jude…good times and meltdowns.  Constant checking of the registered sex offender list to make sure her kids are NO where near one.  Through it all a very patient husband stands by trying to understand what she is going through and supporting her.  And then one day, Kennan calls and says…He’s out!! Tom Williams is out of prison!  She is sick about it and so am I!  She finds out where he is living and has worries about him somehow finding her or getting to her kids.  

Then one day in Church, our old next door neighbor Ben Glade takes the stand and gives one of the bravest and most heartfelt talks I have ever heard about his struggles with same sex attraction and his realization that he was sexually abused by someone at his elementary and how he is working to overcome it all.  Bingo…same light goes off in my head.  After the meeting I walk up to Ben and tell him how sorry I am and that Kennan was also a victim of Tom Williams.  He looks shocked because he didn’t mention him by name but he starts to tear up and says he’s so sorry for Kennan as well.  Long story short, Ben is not the only victim in his family.  The Glades request a meeting with all of us and we sit down for the first time and realize that there are lots and lots of victims.  Ben has chosen to pursue this legally and Kennan is totally on board.  We brainstorm about who might have further information; former teachers, administrators, students.  All of them have spotty memories, some more than others but the sum total of all the memories are very condemning.  Kennan has been through an interview with the police and hopefully the case is moving forward.  There is no statute of limitations for child sex abuse.  I think Kennan finds some comfort in knowing she is doing something….that she is now in control and that perhaps together these victims can put Tom Williams away forever.  She says that putting it all in writing for the world to see has lifted a huge burden off her shoulders.  I suspect that she is no longer haunted by the secrecy of it all.  That was one of his biggest tools….secrecy.  

Let me share what we know about Tom Williams.  First and foremost, we are certain there are many, many victims.  Tom had free reign during his years at Barratt and other schools to choose his victims and groom them.  He wrote his Dissertation on Child Sex Abuse in Rural Communities…literally.  You can read it through BYU.  In it he outlines how middle children from large families are good victims because they are looking for attention.  He talks about the likelyhood of the abuse being reported is near to none. He built a trust with parents and staff in the school so no one thought he was capable of the horrible things he did.  He thinks he got away with this. He is not just a predator of young children, he is a sociopath who has done irreparable damage to lots and lots of kids.  In his own words, he should never be left alone with a child and yet he had free access to as many as he ever wanted.  He chose his victims young so they would NOT have clear memories because it is a fact that children rarely are able recall specific unhappy memories before age 8.  We know of one victim who was in 4^th grade but believe they are an exception.  Administration and staff allowed him free access to the kids and thought nothing of him hanging out on the playground during recesses and staying after hours. They never thought twice about letting him into classrooms and taking children out of them. Tom would get permission to work with kids by giving parents false information about evaluations he supposedly administered or worse yet, never reported working with some children. He is every bit as dangerous today as he was in 1987 and he is back on the streets.  

This isn’t the end of the story.  Kennan continues to work through all the damage that was done to her and her psyche when she was just a little girl.  Others are struggling to work through their own baggage that they carry from similar incidents.  But they are working it through and doing better all the time.  If you or someone you know may have been a victim of Tom Williams, we sincerely hope that you will come forward and have a voice in this.  For years Kennan has thought that she didn’t remember enough to make a difference.  The fact is that lots of others have similar memories and all of them together make for one very strong case. The American Fork Police will listen to your story and you will make a difference. It's not too late.

As a parent of a victim of child sex abuse, I have wondered what I could have done to prevent this from happening.  I have repeatedly begged Kennan for forgiveness for not being there to protect her.  She generously assures me that there was no way I could know. I don’t let myself off the hook that easily.  I am haunted by it.  I have spent lots of time on my knees and in the temple praying for Kennan’s innocence to be restored or for healing for what was taken.  In time I hope that prayer will be answered.  But, having said that….my beautiful daughter has survived.  She is stronger than even she realizes and she has an empathy and a depth of understanding that few people will ever know.  She has been dealt a really crappy hand on a lot of levels but she has risen to the challenge and excelled in advocating for her kids and others.  She is smart and talented and clever and one of a kind.  And Tom Williams will not have the last word on this! 

Several people have asked advice on how to protect their children from something like this.  I have only a few words of advice.  If you ever feel uncomfortable about someone’s interaction with your child….listen to that prompting!!  People’s children were spared because their radar went off and they refused to have their kids be alone with him.  Don’t worry about offending someone.  You are your child’s only advocate!!  In most places there are safe guards now that were not in place years ago….windows in all doors where children are working, rules about being alone with a child, background checks, etc.  Those rules are there for a reason.  Demand that they be followed. Ask about who interacts with your child at school and take the opportunity to get to know them so you can judge for yourself.  Be THAT parent … you know the one that insists on things.  And talk to your kids and assure them that they can tell you ANYTHING and they won’t be in trouble and you won’t get mad.  No secrets, ever! And believe them when they tell you something and let them know you will believe them.  If you note a change in them….quieter, don’t want to go to school, feeling sick, crying more than usual. …Note it, investigate and get to the bottom of it.  These are some of the things I wish I had done differently.  Would it have made a difference?   I don’t know but maybe.  

I’m so grateful I have a good relationship with Kennan and that we are working this through day by day.  Sometimes I look at her now and see that sweet little 1^st grader who didn’t understand or have the tools to communicate what was happening in her troubled life.  I realize she didn’t stand a chance against this evil man who had studied child psychology and became a master of manipulation and deceit.  It’s hard to imagine Satan himself being more evil.  I understand Kennan’s need to be in control all the time; from driving the car to choosing where we are going to dinner.  It all stems from not being in control at the most critical time.  I understand why she sometimes needs my undivided attention….it stems from a time when my attention was not on her when it should have been.  I feel her pain and her struggles and I bear the burden of knowing I failed her but I also know that we don’t get more than we can handle and she is learning to handle all that she has been given.  And she is doing it with grace and a smile and a very big heart.  I couldn’t love her more or be more proud of her.  And there is comfort in knowing that one day all things will be restored to her and that this evil, evil man will have to answer and pay for all that he took from these innocent children. 

//  beautifully written, by my mom, pamela williams  //

overwhelmed.

i cannot even write how much all of the comments, e-mails, and Facebook messages have meant to me.

i feel loved and telling my story was so liberating. i feel free.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

i'll be back shortly.

my name is kennan and i am a victim of sexual abuse.

i really did not want to start off my new blog with a downer post, but i have been trying to write this for over 6 months and i need to get it over with. 

you want real? here is real. 

 i don't remember much about my childhood at barratt elementary... most of the memories i do have are sad and foggy at best. no lifelong besties were made here, and the thought of even walking back into that school makes me physically ill. it was at barratt elementary that i learned how to read, write, and other basic learning needs. i also learned to things no child should ever learn. 

i did not excel in school, i got by. my teachers saw strength in me but i never lived up to their expectations. i did not have a lot of friends, and when i did the friendships never lasted long. i struggled with bullying, on both ends of the spectrum. i was tall, matured early and did not fit in (not to mention a little bit of a spoiled brat). i did whatever i could to not go to school. i came up with every excuse under the sun, some funny, some not so much. i hated elementary and i vividly remember my last day of 6th grade... it was the best day of my life.

it wasn't until i was 17 that i became fully aware of my sexual abuse. there were signs and symptoms all through out my childhood but as i grew older things became worse. in my early teenage years when boys came on to the scene, no one was more into having a boyfriend than me. my friends and i were boy crazy. in fact, some of the boys mom's called a meeting in 7th grade to protect their sons from these love struck girls. we started "pairing off" and phone calls were made, hands were held, and for some,kisses.  the trouble came for me as early has a hand hold. i remember feeling really nervous as soon as my beau set next to me, we played the hand inching closer game for 20 minutes and BOOM, my hand was held. right then and there, i was physically sick. i couldn't move, i felt like puking, and i just wanted to be home with my family. this continued on until i had my first kiss. let me just say, no one wanted a kiss more than me.

it was the summer between 8th and 9th grade and i found myself the perfect boy to lay my lips on, adam (real name). we had been "boyfriend/girlfriend" for a couple of weeks and our friends thought it was time for our lips to meet. we were alone in my friend nicole's basement, just listening to a little 'Better Than Ezra' and the time was right, adam leaned in and gave the kiss i had been waiting for. it was a typical first kiss, gooey, awkward, and short. but for me, it was more than that. it was a flashback, of something uncomfortable that i couldn't understand. as soon as it was over, i stood up, ran to the bathroom, and puked my guts out. i cried and was scared and knew i needed to pull myself together because all my girlfriends were going to want all the details and they wanted a smiling face. i waited a bit but eventually made it outside with everyone else and faked a smile. i never told anyone what it was really like. 

i kissed a handful of boys from then until i was 17, and every experience from then on out was the same. a kiss and then a mad dash to the toilet. eventually my friends found out about my little problem and it kind of became a joke. i was okay with it and figured it was heavenly fathers plan for keeping me worthy, also that maybe magically when mr. right came along i wouldn't puke anymore. that wouldn't be the case.

high school was a rough transition for me, my depression began to show its ugly little face and i had a lot of ups and downs. the love of my high school heart lead me down the road of disappointment and unrequited love, i was constantly reminded by him why i wasn't good enough for him. i kissed boys that didn't care about me and i didn't care about them. my friends were all busy with new found interests, loves, and freedom. i was trapped. i hated myself, my friends (who were my lifeblood), and i hated the fact that i never could be intimate with a boy without puking. i was an angry elf. shortly before my 17th birthday, after one too many bleach jobs on my hair, it began to fall out in clumps and it had to be shaved. talk about a self-esteem killer, no girl wants a shaved head at 17. that was the end the line for me. i wanted to die, i wanted to be done, and i knew i needed help. i walked into my moms room one evening and told her i needed help or i was going to hurt myself. being the amazing mom that she is, i was at my pediatricians, dr. glade's the next morning and 2 days later i was in a child psychologists office. i was finally going to get better and find out what really was going on.

it wasn't 30 minutes into my first therapy appointment that my psychologist realized that i was a victim of early childhood sexual abuse and was suffering from MDD (major depressive disorder) and anxiety. as soon she pointed out the possibility of sexual abuse, the memories came flooding back and i knew exactly when and where it happened, and who it was.

it all came down to barratt elementary, and dr. tom williams, the school psychologist.

i am not sure why i even met with tom.... tom, that is what everyone called him. i promise you that anyone that went to barratt in 1989 knows and remembers who "tom" is. {insert shivers down my spine} tom was well loved at the school, he loved the kids and the kids loved him. i remember feeling so special that he knew who i was. i remember his office, his desk, where he parked his car, how he smelled, the way his keys jingled in his pockets, his voice, his glasses, that he was a smoker, and the biggest thing i remember was a unwelcome familiarity. i remember feeling cold and alone. i remember just wanting to be back at home. i remember feeling guilty and feeling lucky at the same time. i remember him pulling me out of class with my friend emily stone (who has since passed). i remember him in kindergarten and first grade and i don't remember ever seeing or talking to him again until he left our school in 4th grade. i remember being sad he didn't tell me goodbye. i'm pretty sure my abuse was only in kindergarten and early first grade. i started getting sick a lot in 1st grade and my mom started prodding around as to why. i think that scared him off, but the damage was done.

that's it, that's all i could remember. i knew i didn't remember enough to prove anything, so i just stopped there. the child psychologist i was working with wanted to help me remember more, she wanted to put this creep in jail. she offered hypnosis, but i knew that my 6 year old mind had blocked this out for a reason (which BTW is very typical of sexual abuse victims prior to the age of 8). i didn't want to remember more. i just wanted to get better, and better i got.

i was put on anti-depressants and they literally saved my life. i went through about a year of counseling and became okay with who i was, and with being an abuse victim. at 17, i became the person you know now. i became me. shortly after my rebirth, i got a boyfriend who would change me. his name was matt (again, real name...) and he was wonderful. he worked and worked with me on being okay with who i was. matt was so patient with me while i worked through my "puking" issue. i learned coping mechanisms, like how i could initiate a kiss and i could be in control. together we walked the halls of barratt elementary so i could heal and let myself try to remember what went on there. i will always love him for helping me through this huge hurtle in my life, and for loving me in spite of my faults and abuse. like i said, this was the time that i became me, the real, happy me.

right before i graduated all of my memories and thoughts on tom became a reality. i remember distinctly coming home from school and my mom having this article on the kitchen counter. it was all true, he WAS a child molester. he was the bad guy that had ruined my childhood and taken away my innocence. it was both liberating and horrifying. my mom and i both cried... i should let her write sometime what its like being a parent of child who has been sexually abused. anyway, again, i didn't go forward to the police. i thought mine was probably an isolated incident at the school and my memories were still not enough (or at least i thought) to do anything and at least the bastard was going to jail.

the next few years in my life were wonderful... a breeze really. i was happy, i was loved, and i was free. i kept tabs on tom, i made sure he was still in jail, it made me feel safer but again, i kept this to myself and never came forward. one fall evening in 2002 my life changed when i met the man of my dreams, trevan. we fell madly in love and dated for 2 years, we grew up together, we traveled, and had the times of our lives. trevan knew about my abuse and intimacy issues but since i had worked through it earlier, he didn't have to "deal" with it. we got married in 2004 and again, the fingers of tom's abuse came to strangle me once again.

when i got married things went to shit. i went crazy and then to add fuel to the fire i got pregnant shortly their after. i could not cope and again was suicidal and inconsolable. there was something about the life change of marriage and then being pregnant with a son that threw me over the edge. i went through counselling once again with my favorite therapist to date, sally. she worked with me, and healed me and taught me how to settle myself down. sally worked with my on my "tom issues" and sally worked with my poor husband trevan on how to deal with his crazy wife. our sweet jude was born the fall of 2005 and he was just the medicine that we all needed.

fast forward to 2012... one sunday my mom was in sacrament meeting when my next door neighbor growing up, ben glade, got up to give a talk. in his talk he mentioned being sexually abused as a child by someone his family trusted and how it had affected his life. well, a light went off in my mom's head and she knew that ben's abuser was the same as mine. she talked to him after the meeting and sure enough, tom abused ben too. later on she called to tell me what she had found out. i was shocked. i could not wrap my mind around it and i didn't/couldn't deal with "tom issue" another time. it nearly kills me every time. so i waited...

i waited until i was ready, and that was this past summer. i finally contacted ben and told him my story and he told me his. there were far too many coincidences for it not to be true. we had both been abused and we knew that there was no way that were the only ones. we both had memories of other children being involved. we knew it was time to come forward. tom cannot get away with what he did to us, he thinks he did, and he didn't. we remember.

ben went to police with what he remembered and now there is an official investigation going on. you see, tom got out of prison early this year for "good behavior" and is now living among us. it literally scares me to death. there are so many children at risk, tom is a child psychologist and he knows his victims mind, he knows exactly what he is doing. i know there are more kids that went to barratt elementary that were abused, i am almost positive i know of a few personally. i am sure there are 100's of us victims. doesn't it make your blood boil?!?! i too have met with the police and given them my statement. luckily for us, there is no statute of limitations on this sort of stuff and hopefully, justice will be served. i am just happy know that finally i am doing something about this, and hopefully that more people will come forward so we can have a stronger case.

yet here i am writing this, acting strong, telling my truth and i am once again that innocent child, scared and afraid. i will never fully remember what happened to me in his office at that school. i am not sure if that is bad or good. i imagine the worse and hope that its not. what tom doesn't realize is that i am now a 30 year old woman, a wife, a mother of 3... i think he just thought we could forget. i wish i could. i wish that his damage to me didn't creep into almost every aspect of my life... marriage, parenting, trust, family, etc. every time i talk about this i throw myself into a downhill spiral, i am debilitated for a good day or two. i survive though... i have a wonderful support system, an adoring husband, and a testimony. i know someone who didn't have any of that and she didn't get to survive, or see justice served. 

my hope in writing this is that i can show that its okay to admit abuse and that i can heal myself with these words, they say the truth will set you free. i also hope that someone, somewhere reads this and has the strength to come forward about any abuse they may have experienced as child. even if they have spotty memos like me, things they aren't entirely sure of... come forward, it is never too late.

me and my siblings... my first day of kindergarten at barratt elementary

my name is kennan and i am victim of sexual abuse.

and i survive.

here some other links about tom if you are interested...

News Article

New Reel 

UPDATE:

i will be doing a follow up post to this to answer some questions i have received. questions regarding why i didn't tell my parents, warning signs, and how to protect your children.  hopefully, you will get my mom's perspective too. 

thank you, really, for your love and support. you will never know what it means to me.

xo

something new.

hello again.

i am back.

and boy have i missed blogging. i have not documented my life in over a year, and rather than try to catch up, i thought i'd just start over.

not too much has changed or happened over this past year, but i feel different. this is a different me and i want this blog to be different. don't you worry, this is not going to be a fashion blog (barf), a crafting blog, or even a family blog. this is just going to be me, which is why i chose my new blog name.... sincerely, kennan.

heaven knows i have opinions on nearly everything (who doesn't) but i don't even want this to be an opinion blog. i just want it to be honest and 100% unfiltered. i feel like there is so much out there that is just not real...people aren't being real. i've come into contact with some people i follow on instagram or maybe their blogs and when i have met them, i have been SO disappointed. they are not what they write and they are not who they portray on their blogs/instagram. it's so sad that someone can't be themselves, or let the honest side of life show. that't the only side i want anyone to see of my life. 

so this is my declaration.... i vow to be honest. i vow to tell the truth. 

and of course, i vow to be fun.

dropped off the face of the earth.

or maybe i am just overgramming on the instagram.

either way, its changing.

2013.