hunger pains

fine.

i am baby hungry, starving really. its funny how it creeps up on you like that. since greta has been born the thought of another baby has made me nauseous. newborns? no, thank you. i see pregnant women and feel nothing but sorry a little for them.

and then something like a like a light switch in my brain occurs....

{my newest and cutest nephew brig}

...all of the sudden i am baby hungry. the sight of a newborn makes me squeal like a little girl. pregnant women are the most beautiful and blessed people in the world. somehow, baby clothes and trends get cuter. i find myself staring at new babies and wondering what my next one will be. i lie awake thinking of baby names. the thought of not having a baby in arms as soon as possible is enough to make me weep. greta will be 2 in a week and will most definitely not be a baby any longer. surely, that alone is grounds for baby making.

the truth of the matter is.... i am scared. scared to death. as much as ever fiber of my being is aching for a baby a side of me tells me no. i have yet to have a smooth go.... jude's pregnancy was rough, rough mentally and rough physically. his birthmark broke my heart. in between jude and greta i had a miscarriage, it nearly sent me over the edge. anyone who has had a miscarriage knows what i am talking about. greta, well who can sum up that? its been hard. we don't even know if its a genetic condition or not. is she the best case scenario or worst case scenario? after spending the day at primary children's with greta and her nuerologist and him saying he didn't know if he would suggest reproducing again (he didn't mean it to be rude, just saying we don't know yet with greta what will happen). i agree, would i choose this again? we also found out the greta's heart murmur is still there and is a bit concerning so we are seeing a cardiologist next week(put it on my tab). all of that is enough to scare me to death about having another child.

and then i think of this

{jude 6 weeks}

and this

{greta 2 weeks}

and it makes everything okay. my kids are totally amazing! how can i not want another baby just because i am scared. i have to swallow my fears and have faith. we all do. fear is good. it could always be worse and people who have been through a lot worse things have had the courage to try again, and they succeed. my life has been wonderful, and i have made it through some scary stuff. my theory is that if i did that than i can surly do this too.... i think. kids were always a part of my plan, a part of my life. i knew that i wanted a big family from the time i was very young and although my number idea of a big family has changed, i know for me, 2 is not enough. i am good mom, i know that. trevan is good dad, and he supports me in my role as mother. we have a lot of love to give. everything that is suppose to be will be.

now if i could only make myself believe me.

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p.s.

happy 500th post!