bare with me

{its quite personal and dear to my heart}

i am struggling.

these past two weeks have been my worst mothering days yet. i have been wanting to "blog" about them for sometime but can't find the words {or the energy} to write about it. so here it goes.

my heart is breaking, i feel like i am failing. i have chosen the career path of mothering. it was my choice. i eat, breathe, and sleep parenting. my kids are the first thing i think about when i wake and the last thing i think about before i drift off into my happy place. i love them with every single thing that i am. i strive to help them succeed and to help them feel loved.... but i think i am failing in my attempts with my first born.

jude went to pre-school 2 weeks ago and 9 days later jude was done. jude cried at preschool and wanted his mommie. after 4 attempts {2 successes and 2 failures) his preschool coordinator told me that he probably wasn't ready for preschool and handed me papers about a child wellness center that deals with autism and other disorders. this lady spent 20 minutes with my crying 3-year old and decided that because he didn't fit into her preschool he was autistic. needless to say i pulled him out of that preschool right then and there. i was beyond offended. however, i was a little embarrassed. whether i should have been or not, i was. how was is that every other kid in his class didn't cry so hard they had to be sent home? how come all of my friends and families children can be okay with preschool? i thought i had prepared him. i thought we were ready. how was i to know?

for the record, i am a first time mom and i DO NOT know what i am doing. i don't know what is considered normal and what i should be concerned about. poor jude has to be the guinea pig {i am so sorry jude}. i know that this preschool woman had no business saying anything to me but what she insinuated cut me to the bone. as i said before, this is my career, this is all i do. i can't fail at this, what would that mean? i did not know this would be this hard. i clearly would not have signed up for this had i known..... but i did.

jude is jude and he is wonderfully handsome, intelligent, and delightful little boy. that being said, he is really hard for me right now. he has some serious separation anxiety issues when it comes to me. jude can be quite "aggressive" with his little sister. he has very intense tantrums and some rage moments that scare me. all of these things were of note to me before preschool but i thought going to preschool would help with all of these things. now, i think if this said preschool would have had a little more patience, love, and understanding it would have worked out, but it didn't and here i am picking up the pieces. i figured these issues that are happening are a little bit beyond my area of expertise.

today we met with our pediatrician who i love and trust to discuss some of jude's issues with. after about an hour us expressing our concerns and fears dr. cramer came up with a game plan for us. he explained to us that some of jude's issues were normal {tantrums, boundary pushing, and some separation anxiety} and others not so normal {rage, "aggressiveness", and severe anxiety}. our first step is to turn off t.v. completely at our house. jude's aggressiveness is a result of television watching and him mirroring what he sees when his frustrated. secondly, we will stop giving time-outs and replace them with holding jude because he cannot calm himself down properly in time-out. third, we will try to look at jude when he is upset through his eyes and talk him through it. lastly, we are going to try to have jude be more involved with play dates and specifically play dates when i am not there. jude needs to learn that he can trust someone that is not family. {fyi.... i guess you are suppose to have people other than family watch your children?} dr. cramer also assured me that preschool is not a requirement for a reason, its not entirely needed and that jude surely did not need to go to preschool to learn anything academically because he is very intelligent for his age. dr. cramer said that jude would benefit much more from a preschool that focused more on play and social interaction and that gave out lots of hugs. poor jude, he just needed a little tlc and the newcastle school obviously could not offer that to jude. after lots of tears on my part, we left the office feeling reassured that everything was going to be okay {have i mentioned my love for dr. cramer yet?}.

i am worried for my little angel boy. i have clinical depression and moderate to severe anxiety and have had these things from a very young age but i went untreated and undiagnosed until i was about 17. once i was diagnosed things went much more smoothly for me and anyone else who knew me. also, we were also able to see that i presented these issues very early on in my life but no one knew what was really going on. i worry that jude too has depression and anxiety. dr. cramer addressed jude's susceptibility to depression as well and we are going to watch jude and see how he does after our 4 step program. i don't want that for him. freak, i don't want that for anyone. i know i am a poster child for anti-depressants but i know they don't work as well for everyone as they do me. i don't want any of this to be a part of who jude is. i hate that i may have passed that nasty gene right on down to him..... not that i will love him any less its just a really hard road to travel. i want him to be happy and loved. i want him to be okay. i just want him.

i just want to know everything will be okay. i want to read ahead. i am a big ending ruiner. my whole life i have read the end of books shortly after starting them to make sure it would be worth the read. i frequent moviepooper.com so i can know how movies end. i don't like not knowing. if i could only read ahead to 20 years from now and know that everything would be okay, i know i could do this. just a glimpse of my family in once piece. i don't need to know everything, i just need to know that i can do this. i need to know that my parenting will pay off. i need to know my jude is going to be okay..... but the reality is that can't read ahead. i have to play this guessing game of trial and error. i am aiming for the stars and hoping i can at least get the moon. i read all the parenting books i can get my hands on but none of them can show me what i need. i think what i need is a break, a refresher but i don't think us mom's ever really get that. i will just have to settle with a good nights sleep and a new day tomorrow.

i am just struggling. i want to be the best mom i can be to my 2 little darlings. today, i am feeling not so good but tomorrow will be better. i get to wake up to those 2 darlings and they will love me even if am i not.

p.s. i love being a mom, really i do.

2 p.s. did you catch the part about no tv? wow. that's a whole other blog entry, more on that later

in the morning

i am not a morning person, never have been. in fact, growing up my family would draw straws to see who had to wake me up. not much has changed. we rise early here at the gregory household but most days we are in our pajamas until we leave the house, somedays that is not until 3 in the afternoon. i wouldn't say its because i am lazy, i think its more because i love pj babies. my kids are always more snugly while they are in the pajamas.

sunday morning we had a family lay in in our bed. its was delightful.

greta's hair is so amazing when she wakes up, it brings a tear to a glass eye.

grets has also found her nose and will show you it whenever you want.

since we have moved our bed under the window greta's standing skills have significantly improved.

oh, and jude was there too. it takes a lot of convincing to get him into our bed during the day. he knows not to get in bed with me because we wind of staying there way too long for his taste. when he wakes in the morning instead of coming into my room he goes down stairs to the couch and starts yelling for me instead. he knows me all too well.....

if only we had a bigger bed we really could have a lay in all day!

that would be my best day ever.....

one giant step for jude-kind

it's official, jude is a school boy.

i never thought the day would come that jude would be old enough for pre-school (sometimes it seemed it would not come soon enough and others that it couldn't stay far enough way). it was hard to believe that i was going to let him go, he's my best friend. but on tuesday my little judakins went to his first day of pre-school.

jude really did not want to go. he kept telling me that school was tomorrow, not today. he said that he was tired and that he wanted to stay home with mommie and greta. it broke my heart to make him go but i knew its where he needed to be. mostly, i think he was nervous. the fact that he got to wear his new "school clothes" made it a little easier but this was a hard thing for jude to get his head wrapped around.

as we waited our turn in our car to drop him off i kissed his little hand hoping he would remember the story we have been reading to help prepare him. i watched him look nervously around at what was going on. when his door opened and a pre-school helper kindly took his hand asking him if he was ready for school, he gently nodded and got our of the car. about 5 seconds later i think he realized what happened and started sobbing for me. i had to pull away, it was someone else's turn. i drove away in tears and i really hoped he would be okay. i knew he would, he had to be strong.

thirty minutes after we had dropped him off we got call from the pre-school saying that he was still crying and was quite sad. they just wanted to let us know what was going on and assured me that this sort of thing happens. they told me he was beginning to settling down and that if i didn't hear from them again it was a good sign. i was sick to my stomach for my boy for the next 2 1/2 hours .i was the first to pick him up and he came prancing out with a grin from ear to ear. his teacher told me he did fine after he knew she had talked to me. i could tell he did enjoyed himself from his beaming smile. i don't think either jude or i had ever been so proud of him. it was a small step for him to cross the threshold to his pre-school but a giant step for jude-kind leaving his mother's care.... even if it is for only 3 hours a day 2x a week!

i clearly felt quite differently about my first day of pre-school..... i had 3 older siblings that i knew went to school and then came home again. i probably thought it was the greatest idea ever. poor jude had no idea what school was and that i would be back to pick him up. we'll see how he does today. he doesn't want to go so we aren't talking about it. hopefully day 2 will go more smoothly.

my big boy jude,

i am so proud of you today.

i adore you.

it's going to be okay... i promise.

thanks for making me happy when skies are gray.

xo,

mommie

a life less ordinary

after a crazy lunch with brookie at mcdonalds and a frantic target run (jude disappeared at target and they calling a code adam, only to find him 15 min. later with transformer in tow wondering why mommie was crying) i realized i have no business leaving the house with my 2 children, much less with brooke's babies as well. we went from being sisters having fun to mom's trying to have fun with crazy children on the loose (ie. jude and mimsi). needless to say, i am not anxious to leave my house with the children without my husband anyone time soon.

i am not quite sure how i got here. did i really sign up for this life? trevan and i fell in love so quickly and we loved each other almost too much and got married 2 years later. very soon after we were married i had the crazy idea that we should try for a baby (much sooner than trevan signed up for i might add) and 9 months later our sweet baby boy was born. it was a happy 18 months with just us and jude, pretending to be a family. it was kind of like playing house but better because it was real. after about 18 months we had an even crazier idea that we should add another little creation to the mix and after some heartache we got our daughter, the prets. she was a heartache of her own but a delight none the less. fast forward to 16 months later and here i am.

we are still in love but we are SO not playing house anymore. it is all to real to be pretend. the worst part is, our kids think we know what we are doing. i feel as though i have no idea what i am doing, and in all reality i do not. jude is really hard sometimes, harder than i ever imagined. i wonder as he sleeps so beautifully in his bed at night how i could ever be that mad at him, how i could ever spank his cute little butt, or how i could ever want to literally sell him back to the gypsies that i am so positive he came from. i wonder how i ever became okay with changing diarrhea diapers day in and day out and wiping man poop off of a 3 year old bum? how did i go from sleeping in to waking up at dawn to my adoring children's faces(and being okay with it)? how did i get to a point in my relationship with trevan that he became my husband, you know the kind you fight with? how did i become knowledgeable about tantrums, diaper rashes, teething, birthmarks, developmental milestones, and neurological disorders? when did i start caring about bills and how they would get paid? how did i become a professional 'transformer' transformer? did i really sign up for all of this?

the answer is yes, yes i did sign up for all of this. i may have not read the fine print but i am glad i didn't. because with all the heartache, fighting, and turmoil that has taken place there is this beautiful thing that has become my life and though it feels so ordinary its not, its so not ordinary because it is my life. its very unique and special. i am responsible for the outcome of this little family that i have been entrusted with. this life of mine is not quite the one i imagined or dreamed for...... its better because its real. i have experienced the highs and low and all the in between's. i have lived them. those experiences have shaped me into a much more patient, loving, wiser, and confident person than i ever thought i would be. this whole married life/mothering thing is the best thing that ever happened to me. its has brought out the real me, the one my lord intended me to be. i love my life. i am lucky lucky lucky to have it. i can only hope i am just doing it right.

i have to go now, jude is yelling at me to come wipe his bum.

p.s. who had the bright idea to give children babies?

love and marriage (5 years)

i got to marry my trevan 5 years ago today. i remember so much about this day. it was carefully planned for 6 months and no detail was missed. my wedding was so amazing and everything i ever imagined (maybe more). i am grateful for parents (ie. mom) that put everything aside just so their daughters could have beautiful weddings, and we all did.

however, 5 years later the most memorable part of it all is none of the fancy details we so carefully planned. the most cherished memory is that of kneeling over the alter looking into my true loves eyes as he gently wiped my tears of joy from my cheek. i knew at that moment how perfect our love was and how it had to stand the test of time. we have had our share of trials and tests of devotion in our short 5 years of marriage but i am glad to say that today i love my husband no less than i did the day we made our love eternal. perhaps, i love him more.

in honor of our 5 years i would like to mention some of our top 5 good and bad times {in to particular order}...

GOOD TIMES

1. buying our first home together

2. bringing two adorable children into this world

3. going to new york

4. staying up way to late talking and playing footsies in bed

5. always waking up happy with each other (no matter how mad we went to bed at each other)

BAD TIMES

1. trevan's reaction to me being pregnant with jude

2. greta's false diagnosis

3. numerous bickering's

4. my post-partem depression

5. not knowing how to be parents

Happy Anniversary Trevan!

and here's to 100 more.......

"i'll take the good times. i'll take the bad times. i'll take you just the way you are."

- billy joel

my man's birthday

trevan turns 28 today.

28 feels old because when i met trevan he had just turned 21. i have seen trevan turn from a single young man with no worries into a man that deals with a crazy wife, 2 busy children, a mortgage, bills, and anything else that comes his way and he does it all with ease. i have to say i think he is like a stinky cheese (i have never had wine so i can't compare him to that) and he just gets better with age. i adore my trevy.

some of my favorite things about trevan are.....

-his love for anything jackson hole/yellowstone

-his natural ability with all children

(thats abe b.t.w.)

-how cute he is.

(i was literally blown away by his handsomeness the second i met him)

- that he pierced his ears for his girlfriend.

fyi.... his earrings at 16 year were nearly a deal breaker for me. jk.

trevan is a great man and i am so lucky he waited around for me to make up my mind. he was the right choice, the perfect choice, and the best decision i ever made. i love him, even when i don't.

happy 28th senor!

my daughter?

we all know that jude is a gregory through and through but people say greta looks more like me. i haven't really seen it but when i found these pictures i had to agree. turns out she is me, just a much nicer and more adorable version.

poor greta was cursed with my hair (and hair line). i have cut the back of greta's hair 4 times and obviously my mother let mine grow out. i think the cutting of greta's mullet is a wise decision. the back of our hair grows about 3x as fast as the rest of it. really, its quite bothersome.

of course, gretsie has her own look but its kind of really fun having someone that looks like you that you made.

flashback's

while at my mom's this past weekend i scanned some gem's and this week will be dedicated to those photos.

its a busy week this week..... trev's 28th and our 5th anniversary so stay tuned.

a binki story

last week after hearing a horror story of a 15 year old that still took a binki from my friend at work i came home bound and determined to rid jude of his best friend, his bink. it has been a long journey for us to get here. jude's binki has been with him since day one, it has seen him through 10 surgeries, one 3rd degree burn, many ear infections, one little sister, and a lot of hard times. his binki was his favorite source of comfort and i didn't want to be the one to take that comfort away from him.

we had tried everything (and i mean everything) to get rid of his binki but jude still wanted and got that damn pacifier. if you haven't met jude than you may not know how determined he is, he gets his way most of the time. i knew that it was past the point of just taking it away and that it would have to be his decision to be done with it. we had numerous conversations about how binki's were for babies, how it was ruining his teeth, and how we would reward him greatly for giving it up but he was not ready. yet for some reason last monday after i came home from work he was ready. i took him up to bed with me while trevan was tying some flies and he laid there with me, we read stories and snuggled and then he asked where his binki was and i told him dad would bring it up. he nodded off on my shoulder and slept soundly without his bink even as he was transfered to his own bed. when jude woke up in the morning he was shocked that he had slept without it and he made up his little mind right then and there that he was done with binki's. he snuck one of gretsie's later on that night but quickly noticed his crime and threw it across the room and hasn't had one sense. its been a week and i am proud to say that jude is finally binki free. i am beyond proud of him.

i'm not quite sure how we got here. my sweet baby judakins is no longer my baby. he's a big boy now, and don't try to tell him other wise. in very short 3.75 years we have left bottles, cribs, onesies, diapers, chubbiness, and binki's far behind in babyland. the only piece of babyhood that jude has left is one tattered and torn blanket that i am totally fine with him having for the rest of his life (i have mine after all). i don't know where the time has gone. in two weeks time my firstborn will head off to pre-school and he will start to learn and grow without me by his side. he will start his independence. it's all a little too much for me to handle and i think i wish that i could start all over again.

stop, just let time stop.

just for a minute (or forever).