dear trevan,

do you remember the beginning?

(sequoia's 2003)

(dinner with friends 2002)

(bees game 2003)

(halloween 2003)

(park city 2003)

(engaged! 2004)

all of that turned into all of this.

isn't it amazing?

you turned my world upside down then.

now you are my world.

i love you, handsome boy.

xo,

me.

p.s. all those love songs? they were written for us.

a (delayed) love affair.

ezra.

what joy and what love.

i have fallen head over heels in love with sweet ezra.

i struggle with newborns. i know, i know, who doesn't love a newborn? well, i don't, especially my own. i mean, of course i love them but i am not in love with them. it takes me a good month or so until i feel a real bond with my kids. it was that with jude, it was that way with greta, and i knew it would be that way with ezra.

with my post-partum depression it is hard to focus on the "real" emotions those first couple of weeks, it's hard know if what i am feeling is really how i feel. for example, i was really resentful of ezra at first, i felt he ruined a good thing that we had going with 2 kids and that life would never be the same. i resented the fact that he relied solely on me for nourishment but at the same time i would not allow a bottle so i wouldn't be judged. i didn't want the responsibility of taking care of another child, especially a newborn. i could not believe i had to get up in the middle of the night again. i felt like a robot, doing what i was programmed to do, not what i wanted to do. i would read other mother's blogs who had babies around the same time as me and hate on them for loving their babies. i wanted to be in love, i just wasn't. here we are a few weeks later and it's a whole other story. i am out of that PPD haze, i know those feelings were not real. i knew that then too but, i didn't feel that way.

i feel so lucky to be out of that haze and back to the old me, even if i am highly medicated (getting less so every week FYI). i am so glad that i have fallen in love with my baby. our bond is unbreakable now. these days, i can't wait to feed him, i love his little hand on my breast and the coos he makes when he's full. i love how our family dynamic has changed since he has joined us, we feel like a real family now. i can't fathom wanting to do something other than being a mother, ezra's mother. my heart aches every night as another day is over with him but, every morning is brilliant because i get to start a new day with him. ezzie is the sweetest boy and best little baby, he is magic. i am so blessed that i get to be his mommie. me and ezra? our love is true. it's everlasting, just like it was/is with his big brother and sister.

i knew we would get here.

i'll love you forever.

i'll like you for always.

as long as i'm living,

my baby you'll be.

fresh air.

a few days last week it got above 55 degrees...

and you better believe we enjoyed every second of that sunshine.

dear spring,

stop hiding.

love, me.

announced.

in case we missed you....

oh and here are some other gems you should see.

brooke? she is amazing.

angel of mine

(also a really good monica song...)

hi baby ez!

that is what greta says everytime she see's ezra.

he is kind of big deal in these parts.

food stained faces and after breakfast snuggles...

it's been a month with this sweet boy and sweet it has been.

i am so blessed to have had easy newborns. all of my kids sleep 5-6 hours pretty consistently within 2 weeks. ezra is no exception and this is really a treat since he is my first to nurse. which BTW, he is a professional at. i really hated nursing at first and told my self everyday i would quit the next day but here we are 5 weeks later and we are still going strong, mastitis and all. the first 2-3 weeks with my post-partum depression were rough, real rough. i managed (barely) to get by and thanks to a high dose of anti-depressants and an estrogen patch i am still here today. ezzie made the whole PPD thing easier because he was sleeping well and had plenty of people to love on him when i couldn't. ezra has a sweet disposition and only cries when he is naked or starving. ezzie deals well with his environment (i.e. an overbearing/adoring older brother, a sloppy sister, fighting siblings, rambunctious behavior, etc.). he is a happy little dude. he hates being alone, which is fine by me. we snuggle for the better part of the night and most of the day. i love my little smoosh. so far he has just been easy.... EASY E.

oh, and i have to say, i love having 3 kids. i thought i would hate it and that it would be horrible but i thought wrong. i was so worried i would not have enough love, i was worried how greta would do, i was worried about getting enough sleep, i was worried that ezra would be a hard baby.... turns out, i had nothing to worry about. i love having 3 precious little beings that i am responsible for. i love having 3 people think that the sun rises and sets with me... it's a big self confidence booster. i feel so loved and so blessed. it's enough to almost make me cry, which is saying a lot. my older kids have transitioned like the champs that they are. other than a few "rough spots" here and there, i would say i am really going to like this new life i have.

of course, having a beautiful baby doesn't hurt.

now, if i could only fit a few more hours in the day for me-time, laundry, and blogging.