exactly a year ago today my toddler accidentally suffocated my 2 week old baby. it has taken me exactly a year to finally tell that story. here goes nothing…
(morning of the incident)
york was 17 days old. i was finally getting the swing of things, things with 4 kids. trevan had gone back to work, my mom had stopped coming up daily to help with dinner and household chores, the meals from neighbors had stopped, and the rush of visitors that come with a newborn had dwindled. my postpartum psychosis was under control and my c-section was allowing me to drive again. i was doing it! i was being mom of 4.
it was a wednesday. my mom had asked me to come down to visit her at work (about 20 min away) and show off her newest grand baby to her co-workers and to go to lunch. it was my first real outing since york had been born. i loaded up the baby and ezra and then proceeded to my sister brooke's house to pick up her and her daughter billie so they could join us. we had a 2 hour window to be there and back in time to get my older kids from elementary.
york was received with ooh's and aah's from everyone we saw. there truly is nothing more fascinating and adorable than a 2 week old baby. we ate lunch, kissed my mom goodbye and loaded up the kids to go. i remember looking at the clock and knowing that it was almost time to feed york again, but i thought i could time it all perfectly we could drop brooke, pick up my kids, and be home in time to feed him and put us BOTH down for a nap.
trevan called me shortly after i dropped brooke back off and told me he was on his way home from work and asked if he i needed him to get the kids from school. i, feeling extra confident, told him no and that we would meet him at home shortly. after i hung up with trevan my bff karlin called to check in on me (this is all hands free via my car, so stop judging). we were laughing and sharing stories of life with newborns. i remember telling karlin as i pulled up to the elementary "this is so much easier than i thought it would be. i am so happy. the song "walking on sunshine" is playing on repeat in my mind!". we continued to talk while i waited along side the school for the bell to ring. a neighbor stopped by my unrolled window and peeked in to see york and say hi to ez. nothing out of the ordinary. at this point york started to cry…
meanwhile, because we had taken brooke and billie with us we had switched up the car seat situation in my van. we moved ezra out of his 5-point harness seat and into high back booster that he could easily buckle himself in and out of and we had billie sit in his seat. ezra was plenty safe in the booster seat so when we dropped billie off, i didn't switch him back. when we got the school ezra unbuckled and started wandering around the van while we waited. york was fully awake at this point and was really hungry. you know that newborn hungry cry, the kind where they are pretty sure they've never eaten before and they most definitely will never eat again? well that was the cry that was going on behind my seat. i can't remember whether i told ezra to give york his binki or not… either way the crying stopped. it wasn't odd to me that york had stopped crying because at that point if a binki got within 2 inches of his mouth he would suck it in. i figured he had found his binki.
the bell rang and i was wrapping up my conversation with karlin when ez popped his head between seats and said very clearly "york is done. york is done. i go like this (covers his mouth) and now him is all done.". MY HEART SANK. i hung up on karlin and threw open my door and waited as york's door slowly opened. first off, his car seat canopy was closed and when i had buckled york in i had left it open. all i could see was his tiny little foot poking out... i knew by looking at his tiny lifeless foot that there was something wrong. i threw open his car seat canopy and there he was…. his face was blue and there was foam coming out of his mouth. he had been suffocated, suffocated by his sweet and innocent older brother who was just trying to help. i screamed and pulled him out of his seat. i was in complete shock. i laid him over my shoulder and patted his back fiercely. after a few seconds i heard him moan. i started screaming for my kids, i remember yelling to my neighbor who had stopped by the van just minutes before that something was wrong with york. somehow my kids made it to the van. i cradled my lifeless, moaning baby into my arms and sped home. i remember running in to the house and screaming for trevan, my 3 older kids trailing behind me in shock and tears.
i held york in my arms and sobbed and i thought that maybe if i just nursed him he would come back to life. trevan was yelling at me to call a doctor or to call 9-1-1, to just do something. i kept thinking if i could just get him to nurse he would be okay. as i tried to awaken him and feed him it became clear that we needed more than just breastfeeding to make him better. we made a quick decision to load the kids up and just drive to the closest primary children's hospital; which from where we live was the riverton location. i knew an ambulance would take too much time to get to our house and that we needed to go to a hospital that was equipped to deal with infants. i called them on our way our there and let them know we were coming. i called my sister brooke once again and just said "york was suffocated and we are headed to the ER. i'm dropping off my kids".
my kids were crying in the car, ezra kept crying "i killed my baby", jude said over and over "please don't die yorkie!", and greta just sobbed. i sat in the back and just held york and wept and plead with with him and with the lord to let him stay with us. trevan was so upset, he couldn't even talk but kept yelling back to me to make york cry. york didn't cry. he struggled to breathe and just would moan every couple of minutes. we stopped at brooke's house to drop the kids just long enough for the van door to open and close. the next 10 minutes were the longest minutes of our lives. we seemed to hit every red light possible and anyone who lives in SL county know traveling east to west in the middle of the day is an absolute nightmare.
we pulled into the ER parking lot and i ran in carrying york, still lifeless in my arms. the nurses and doctors rushed us back and began working on york immediately. they got vitals, undressed him and assessed him. about 5 minutes after we got there york started screaming. words cannot express this scream. i have heard my fair share of newborn screams but this was not like any i had ever heard. he oxygen levels were low, in the 70's, and the doctors did not like what they were seeing and admitted him at once. no one knew what was wrong with york. no one knew what "really" happened to york. and no one knew how to make him better.
at this point, my mom showed up and then trevan's parents shortly there after. they watched as doctors scrambled to get IV's and feeding tubes in. they took blood and ran tests, all the while, york just screamed. trevan and his dad administered a priesthood blessing to york.
i remember just sitting there with my thoughts racing…
york has to get better!
this was not happening!
my poor ezzie!
please, make york's screaming stop.
this was not happening!
what happened in the back of the van between york and ez in that 5 minute or less time frame?!
york cannot die!
ezzie did not mean to hurt him!
this is not going to be our story….
please!
there was a shift change and the new staff came in to access york. they were definitely keeping him and we would be there until they knew what was going on. there were a bunch of different theories going around, broken bones, asphyxiation, aspiration, pneumonia, etc. but no one knew. the onsite child protective services came, lots of questions were asked. then x-ray's were ordered. all the while, york still screamed. he was in pain and he could not breathe. he was hungry but could not breastfeed. at this point he had not eaten in over 6 hours, which is too long for a 2 week old baby. i pumped and then we put my breast milk into york's feeding tube. his hunger needs were met and the crying subsided for a bit but then the screaming and moaning were back with full force.
it was decided that i stay with york while trevan went home and got my stuff for me. remember… i was only 2 weeks out from a c-section and still pretty tender and still a zombie that a mother to a newborn is. trevan's parents took our kids and comforted as well as they could in this situation. we are so lucky to always have grandparents there to pick up our slack. i could not stop thinking about my poor ezra, i just wanted to hold him. he did not mean to hurt york and he needed to know i knew that.
that first night in the hospital was horrific. the screaming would not stop. york could not be consoled or comforted. he was up all night without rest. holding york only made it worse but he hated being alone too. he had to be in pain…. but why? the doctors said it was nearly impossible for him to have a broken bone with the type of force a 3 year old could inflict. there was likely no need for an MRI, because brain damage from a lack of oxygen would take longer than the 3-5 minutes he was without it. what we had on our hands was an ALTE (apparent life-threatening event) and only time would tell what would happen with york.
the next morning trevan was there at dawn. a miracle nurse had come in at 5 am and somehow gotten york to stop screaming. i thought he was getting better. later in the morning, a new doctor came in had some test results. there was no infection in his blood, no broken bones but there was fluid in his lungs and wounds in the back of york's throat. the theory is that ezra had put something (fingers, binki) into the back of his mouth and wounded it and then york aspirated on the blood from that and then too was suffocated. they felt confident with treating york for aspiration pneumonia and that we would be out of the hospital later that day.
we had an outpouring of love and support from friends and family everywhere. i have never felt so loved. my sweet cousin cheyenne happened to work on the floor of the hospital we were on and we had better care because of her. our inboxes, voicemails, texts, facebook walls and instagrams were bombarded with support.
we were optimistic with what the doctors had told us and even started to joked about the craziness. well, we spoke to soon because york just got worse from there. he oxygen levels were dropping and he was needing more and more oxygen. the respiratory team started treatment on york of tapping on his back to try to break up the mucous and fluid in his lungs. york was not good this day, he seemed back to that lifeless boy i held the day before. the doctors were stumped… he was suppose to be better.
the thing about ALTE's is that they are unpredictable. no one could tell us how this would end, how he would be, or what to expect. the rest of the stay at the hospital is a blur. there were more tests, more tapping, more crying, more tube feeding. there was constant progress and regression. i never left york's side. we stayed at the hospital for 3 days.
we were optimistic with what the doctors had told us and even started to joked about the craziness. well, we spoke to soon because york just got worse from there. he oxygen levels were dropping and he was needing more and more oxygen. the respiratory team started treatment on york of tapping on his back to try to break up the mucous and fluid in his lungs. york was not good this day, he seemed back to that lifeless boy i held the day before. the doctors were stumped… he was suppose to be better.
the thing about ALTE's is that they are unpredictable. no one could tell us how this would end, how he would be, or what to expect. the rest of the stay at the hospital is a blur. there were more tests, more tapping, more crying, more tube feeding. there was constant progress and regression. i never left york's side. we stayed at the hospital for 3 days.
i don't know what happened with my other kids during that time. i know they were taken care of and loved. i could not wait to get home and show them everything was okay. late friday afternoon, york made a turn for the better. he started to breastfeed again and needed less and less of oxygen. the doctors told us if he continued to improve and gain weight we could go home the next day.
we left the hospital around noon the next day, which was saturday. york would make a full recovery. it took us a good month to recover at home, all of us. trevan and i were dead emotionally and physically exhausted. i beat myself up for weeks wondering what i could have done differently, how this was all my fault. i think that'r normal behavior but it still killed me. the trauma to york put him back to like a newborn day . he had to get reacclimated to life… eating, sleeping, waking, being alive.
(after being released from the hospital)
for the second time in my life, i was granted a miracle. we escaped a horrific reality, by the skin of our teeth. it still scares me to death to think of what that life would be had that been our story… an accidental dead child by the hand of a toddler brother. i shutter to think of the damage that would do to ezra alone, not just to our family. believe me when i say, i do not EVER take york's full recovery for granted (which is maybe why i'll baby him forever). i still don't think i even process this experience fully. how do you get over something like this? you don't. and today was a cold reminder of when i was picking up our kids from school on another beautiful september afternoon exactly a year ago.
….
:: i share this story for my history ::
