being a mother of a victim sexual abuse: my mom's story

//  i promise this blog is not going to be 24/7 depressing but today it is again. i asked my mom to write her perspective of my abuse. i no longer relate to the child kennan in my abuse but more so to the mom kennan. i think mostly on how i can protect my kids. i cannot imagine this happening to one of my own babies, i don't know how i could live with it. really, as a parent, you would 100 times over, take any pain of your children onto yourself.  this is the first time i have ever heard my mom's point of view. i cried good and long as i read through her version of my story. i cried as child kennan and i cried as mom kennan, both of us are proud to be my mom's daughter, she helped me survive.  //

When I think about what happened to my daughter at such a tender young age I feel such incredible guilt.  Why didn’t I protect her?  Why didn’t I sense what was happening?  Why didn’t I know that this man was a predator?  What kind of a Mom wouldn’t know?  If I start at the beginning, I realize that I did know something was wrong, but I was too naïve and maybe a little too overwhelmed to understand what was happening.  

When Kennan was in 1^st grade, she started to complain about her stomach hurting.  Her older sister used to do the same thing when she was about that age and we were changing schools so I wrote it off as just difficulty adjusting to all day school.  I would address it and even bring her home, but always encouraged her to just tough it out.  I remember coming into the family room one evening and seeing this little girl curled up in a ball quietly sobbing and when I asked what was wrong she said her stomach hurt.  I had her in to the pediatrician the next morning.  

After an exam, an interview (where the Dr. specifically asked, has anyone touched you in your private parts? To which she responded NO!) and a whole series of tests including blood work and an upper GI series….it was concluded that her stomach was in fact in spasms but there was no physical reason.  We decided to watch her for additional symptoms and see how it went.  In time, she seemed to improve.  During this time, Kennan was seeing the speech therapist at school for some problems with her “r’s”.  I later found out that Tom Williams was taking her out of class (supposedly for the Speech Therapist). 

In retrospect, she did however start to show some unusual interest in men’s anatomy.  Weird stuff, like looking at men’s underwear in catalogues and taping hot dogs to her brother’s bedroom doors.  I wrote it off as just crazy Kennan….antics of a rowdy little girl. This is a little girl who would swear because she knew it was naughty so it wasn’t a big stretch to see her doing wild stuff just to get her big brother’s attention.  I was wrong….I should have clued in!  

In the following years at Barratt Elementary, Kennan struggled at school and at home.  She had trouble with friends, and seemed to be victimized by the “gang” mentality.  Her teachers saw it and tried to intervene where they could but she would repeatedly ask me to home school her.  This was a time when those who home schooled were just sort of an anomaly so I never really considered it.  I just kept telling her she would be fine.  Kennan hated being told what to do at home….especially by her siblings and she was a nightmare for them to tend. I recognize now that these behaviors were due to her trying desperately to always be in control of every situation.  She would go from happy and silly to enraged and angry in a moment’s time. It became impossible for me to deal with her and she responded much more positively to her Dad’s interventions.   I think on some unconscious level she was mad at me.  Unfortunately, her Dad was traveling a great deal during this time so he was not always there to take over.  

Kennan's struggles continued into Jr. High but she got a good group of girl friends that were loyal and kind and she did much better.  She seemed to be thriving in this social aspect of her life but still really struggled with school and authority.  Then came boys and boyfriends.  She confided in me that she kissed a boy and got physically sick.  In my warped mind I thought, “Great…I won’t have to worry about her getting into trouble with boys.”  I kind of made light of it and we even joked about it, but as time went on she started to unravel.  She became quiet, angry, frustrated, volatile and eventually came to me and said she needed help.  Her issues with intimacy continued. She was displaying self destructive behavior and contemplating suicide.  I had been through one child that struggled with depression and I took it seriously.  We were back into Dr. Glade the next morning and he recommended counseling.  We set up her first visit and thus began what has become a long, long road to understanding and remembering when and where the abuse took place. 

Her counselor knew immediately that she was a child sex abuse victim….she had all the symptoms.  Kennan had very few memories and the counselor said she might never fully remember.  Her mind would only allow her to remember what she could handle.  She offered to put Kennan under hypnosis but Kennan was scared to remember and was okay not to.  Just knowing there was a reason for what she was feeling was a relief and with some medication for the depression she was suffering, she seemed to do better.  Then one day as I was reading the paper, I came across an article naming Tom Williams and describing his arrest and confession to child sex abuse charges involving his nieces and nephews.  A light went off in my head….call it inspiration or just connecting the dots….but I felt certain this was the missing piece.  When Kennan got home from school, I showed her the article and waited to see her reaction.  I could tell immediately that I was right.  I was so heart-broken for her and I was sick that I hadn’t seen the writing on the wall.  From this vantage point I could see all the signs.  The tummy aches, the speech therapy, the odd interactions I had with Tom Williams at school.  I remembered being with the family at the Water Gardens and sitting down in front of Tom Williams and his nieces and nephews and how Kennan had to leave the theatre because she felt sick.  She began to have spotty memories of being in Tom’s office, and of other girls with her.  One girl in particular brought back some uncomfortable feelings and Kennan was pretty sure connecting with her would open the floodgate of memories.  I questioned Kennan about whether or not she wanted me to report him and pursue this with the police.  Her response was that her memories were too random and spotty and besides…he was in jail now.  What purpose would it serve?  I determined to follow her lead…this was her experience and her decision.  So we left it alone (Probably a big mistake) .  

Over the next several months Kennan tried to face her demons when she felt strong enough.  She was making progress when it came to intimate situations thanks to a very sweet, loving and patient young man.  She visited Barratt Elementary and walked the halls in hopes of finding some answers, but it mostly just made her physically ill.  She thought about looking up the girl that she had memories of being with Tom in his office but just wasn’t sure she was ready.  I think at this point she somewhat decided to put the whole issue to bed. It was what it was and she determined to move forward.  She sent her boyfriend on a mission and graduated from High School and tried to move in a direction that felt positive.  She met her future husband and had a great 2 year courtship, and was married.  Then the issue raised it’s ugly head again and there were serious issues in her marriage with intimacy.  Wisely, she and Trev sought counseling with pretty good results.  Through all this time, Kennan kept tabs on Tom Williams.  She saw interviews on the Utah State Prison website that he gave.  Somehow this was never far from her mind.  

Then she became pregnant and after Jude was born she crashed.  Post-partum depression took hold of her and she became incapacitated.  There was a trip to the hospital and more counseling.  Jude’s port wine stain birthmark threw her for a loop and it became her mission to do all she could for him.  There was more counseling and battles with insurance companies over services for her and for Jude, and a whole series of surgeries for Jude. In time things settled back down for her.  She called one day and said she thought she was ready to talk to the girl from grade school…would I see if I could find her Mom and her phone number.  I did and passed the information on to her.  Her Mom said she was living in Arizona, went by another name, had struggled with drug abuse and depression, been in an abusive relationship with a man, and had a strained relationship with her family. Kennan hesitated and said she would reach out to her when she felt strong enough.  That never happened.  Shortly after, we got word that she had died….found in her apartment dead after recovering from a broken leg, possible drug overdose. Poor girl probably had the same history as Kennan but not the kind of support she needed to work it through.  Another victim of Tom Williams. And a dead end for Kennan. 

Two more babies, two more horrible rounds of post-partum depression, more counseling.  Medication adjustments and adjustments and adjustments.  Little Greta with special needs.  Coordination of doctors and services for Greta, Laser surgeries for Jude…good times and meltdowns.  Constant checking of the registered sex offender list to make sure her kids are NO where near one.  Through it all a very patient husband stands by trying to understand what she is going through and supporting her.  And then one day, Kennan calls and says…He’s out!! Tom Williams is out of prison!  She is sick about it and so am I!  She finds out where he is living and has worries about him somehow finding her or getting to her kids.  

Then one day in Church, our old next door neighbor Ben Glade takes the stand and gives one of the bravest and most heartfelt talks I have ever heard about his struggles with same sex attraction and his realization that he was sexually abused by someone at his elementary and how he is working to overcome it all.  Bingo…same light goes off in my head.  After the meeting I walk up to Ben and tell him how sorry I am and that Kennan was also a victim of Tom Williams.  He looks shocked because he didn’t mention him by name but he starts to tear up and says he’s so sorry for Kennan as well.  Long story short, Ben is not the only victim in his family.  The Glades request a meeting with all of us and we sit down for the first time and realize that there are lots and lots of victims.  Ben has chosen to pursue this legally and Kennan is totally on board.  We brainstorm about who might have further information; former teachers, administrators, students.  All of them have spotty memories, some more than others but the sum total of all the memories are very condemning.  Kennan has been through an interview with the police and hopefully the case is moving forward.  There is no statute of limitations for child sex abuse.  I think Kennan finds some comfort in knowing she is doing something….that she is now in control and that perhaps together these victims can put Tom Williams away forever.  She says that putting it all in writing for the world to see has lifted a huge burden off her shoulders.  I suspect that she is no longer haunted by the secrecy of it all.  That was one of his biggest tools….secrecy.  

Let me share what we know about Tom Williams.  First and foremost, we are certain there are many, many victims.  Tom had free reign during his years at Barratt and other schools to choose his victims and groom them.  He wrote his Dissertation on Child Sex Abuse in Rural Communities…literally.  You can read it through BYU.  In it he outlines how middle children from large families are good victims because they are looking for attention.  He talks about the likelyhood of the abuse being reported is near to none. He built a trust with parents and staff in the school so no one thought he was capable of the horrible things he did.  He thinks he got away with this. He is not just a predator of young children, he is a sociopath who has done irreparable damage to lots and lots of kids.  In his own words, he should never be left alone with a child and yet he had free access to as many as he ever wanted.  He chose his victims young so they would NOT have clear memories because it is a fact that children rarely are able recall specific unhappy memories before age 8.  We know of one victim who was in 4^th grade but believe they are an exception.  Administration and staff allowed him free access to the kids and thought nothing of him hanging out on the playground during recesses and staying after hours. They never thought twice about letting him into classrooms and taking children out of them. Tom would get permission to work with kids by giving parents false information about evaluations he supposedly administered or worse yet, never reported working with some children. He is every bit as dangerous today as he was in 1987 and he is back on the streets.  

This isn’t the end of the story.  Kennan continues to work through all the damage that was done to her and her psyche when she was just a little girl.  Others are struggling to work through their own baggage that they carry from similar incidents.  But they are working it through and doing better all the time.  If you or someone you know may have been a victim of Tom Williams, we sincerely hope that you will come forward and have a voice in this.  For years Kennan has thought that she didn’t remember enough to make a difference.  The fact is that lots of others have similar memories and all of them together make for one very strong case. The American Fork Police will listen to your story and you will make a difference. It's not too late.

As a parent of a victim of child sex abuse, I have wondered what I could have done to prevent this from happening.  I have repeatedly begged Kennan for forgiveness for not being there to protect her.  She generously assures me that there was no way I could know. I don’t let myself off the hook that easily.  I am haunted by it.  I have spent lots of time on my knees and in the temple praying for Kennan’s innocence to be restored or for healing for what was taken.  In time I hope that prayer will be answered.  But, having said that….my beautiful daughter has survived.  She is stronger than even she realizes and she has an empathy and a depth of understanding that few people will ever know.  She has been dealt a really crappy hand on a lot of levels but she has risen to the challenge and excelled in advocating for her kids and others.  She is smart and talented and clever and one of a kind.  And Tom Williams will not have the last word on this! 

Several people have asked advice on how to protect their children from something like this.  I have only a few words of advice.  If you ever feel uncomfortable about someone’s interaction with your child….listen to that prompting!!  People’s children were spared because their radar went off and they refused to have their kids be alone with him.  Don’t worry about offending someone.  You are your child’s only advocate!!  In most places there are safe guards now that were not in place years ago….windows in all doors where children are working, rules about being alone with a child, background checks, etc.  Those rules are there for a reason.  Demand that they be followed. Ask about who interacts with your child at school and take the opportunity to get to know them so you can judge for yourself.  Be THAT parent … you know the one that insists on things.  And talk to your kids and assure them that they can tell you ANYTHING and they won’t be in trouble and you won’t get mad.  No secrets, ever! And believe them when they tell you something and let them know you will believe them.  If you note a change in them….quieter, don’t want to go to school, feeling sick, crying more than usual. …Note it, investigate and get to the bottom of it.  These are some of the things I wish I had done differently.  Would it have made a difference?   I don’t know but maybe.  

I’m so grateful I have a good relationship with Kennan and that we are working this through day by day.  Sometimes I look at her now and see that sweet little 1^st grader who didn’t understand or have the tools to communicate what was happening in her troubled life.  I realize she didn’t stand a chance against this evil man who had studied child psychology and became a master of manipulation and deceit.  It’s hard to imagine Satan himself being more evil.  I understand Kennan’s need to be in control all the time; from driving the car to choosing where we are going to dinner.  It all stems from not being in control at the most critical time.  I understand why she sometimes needs my undivided attention….it stems from a time when my attention was not on her when it should have been.  I feel her pain and her struggles and I bear the burden of knowing I failed her but I also know that we don’t get more than we can handle and she is learning to handle all that she has been given.  And she is doing it with grace and a smile and a very big heart.  I couldn’t love her more or be more proud of her.  And there is comfort in knowing that one day all things will be restored to her and that this evil, evil man will have to answer and pay for all that he took from these innocent children. 

//  beautifully written, by my mom, pamela williams  //